Expectations

Expectations

If life is like a box of chocolates, then expectations represent the process of choosing the ones that will taste good based on how they appear. I’ve had all sorts of expectations lately and nearly nothing has turned out as I ‘expected’. Everything about this move has caught me by surprise, when really I shouldn’t be surprised as this experience is completely different from anything I have done before.

I made the decision to join the Peace Corps nearly two years ago. Since that time, my enthusiasm and conviction about this choice have not waned. Because of this clarity and confidence, I did not expect to face such emotional hurdles as I have these past weeks, dispersing the majority of my material possessions. I spent a week sorting through every shelf, drawer, cupboard, and closet. Every new pile represented 50 new decisions. What to keep, what to sell, what to give away to friends, and what to throw away. By Saturday morning – the day of the big yard sale – I was so emotionally exhausted that I just sat in chair till 10 am waiting for someone to show up. You see, I ‘expected’ some my friends to show up to help. As I found out later, my friends also had expectations – each expected that the others would show & it would be covered. Ultimately, it’s my own dang, ‘cause I d/n specifically ask for anyone’s help. Luckily, my dear neighbors stopped by. When they saw the state I was in, they rallied to my aid. They helped me pull a bunch of things onto the lawn, make signs, and wave to passing cars to stir interest. In the end, the weekend yard sale was a big success, I overcame my emotional meltdown, and we sailed into a new week. Thanks again to the three musketeers who saved the day!! (you know who you are!!)

This week has passed as well, with more expectations challenged or unmet - but at the end of each day - a few more things get done and the pressure lifts a little as the preparations to depart continue to unfurl. Every other day brings a new email from the Peace Corps country desk with some new, last minute instruction of things to buy and bring to staging. However, I sit here tonight reflecting on the craziness of the past two weeks, I have an amazing sense of calm. At some point, I will have done all I can and it will be time to board an airplane. I have been so focused on the minutiae of disbanding my current life that I have not really taken any time to think about the new life into which I am jumping - sight unseen.

Right now, all I can really say is – “God, I hope I don’t hate it” – because I have no idea what I am really getting into. I’ve read all the literature that Peace Corps has provided and I’ve spoken to a few people who have been to Africa or have family that live there. All that is good, but it has precious little real bearing on my situation. I have no idea what my living conditions will be – a concrete house, a hut, a room with a family. I have no idea what region of the country I will live in & thus no idea about the weather or terrain. Will I be in a big city, a small town or a village? I have only the broadest description of my job function, objectives, and goals. The one truly thrilling and amazing thing I do have about this whole adventure is a sense of fearless confidence. Amidst all the uncertainty about the tangible specifics of my life for the next two years, the one thing I do possess is a bold conviction that I have made the right choice for this time in my life. I expect that some things will de difficult and some things will be pleasant – and I suspect that it will not be the things that I imagine. That is to say, what I expect to go smoothly – will probably be rocky & what I expect to be hard – will surprise and intrigue me.

All these grand thoughts have made me tired - so it’s off to bed for me. To dream about the future – that place where hopes and dreams live, unmarred by our doubts and fears.

Sweet dreams and warm wishes - Christine