I had a fun Christmas too and I appreciate the fact that the weather and traditions are so different here that it did not really feel like Christmas back home. I think I would have been more homesick if it felt more like a traditional Christmas. I have a post mate here in Lolodorf, she is a health volunteer and her name is Megan. She’s 24, from Chicago and she’s very nice. We get along great and it is a wonderful relief to have someone to talk to that understands what you’re feeling, because sometimes the cultural divide is so huge that you wonder if you can ever really cross it to connect with people here. Christmas Eve we went out to the local night club with some male friends and we also spent Christmas day together with a family here. All in all a good time was had by all and the holiday passed without incident or massive depressive episodes for both of us .
Every once in a while (but not too often) I just MISS my loved ones back home. When it happens, I embrace the moment and search my memory for some sweet time that we spent together. I run it thru my mind and enjoy it again because I know that we have such love in our family and there are many more good memories to come. That love keeps me strong on days when I feel like everyone here just wants a piece of me. I remind myself that someone loves me – as I am; without wanting more – and that gets me thru the tough spots when I feel under appreciated here.
I am learning day by day to live by faith and it is a wild ride that never disappoints !! I have to trust God every day and seek His wisdom for each small decision that I make. The consequences here of poor judgment could endanger my health or even my life. Desperate poverty makes some people desperate, but I am fortunate to have enough reliable friends in the village who watch out for me. They tell me the truth, they watch my back, they help me find reliable people to get my household stuff done- like drawing water from the well or cutting my grass with a machete !! I do my own laundry every two days – by hand – and hang it on the line to dry. I eat at the local cafes in town. It’s cheaper and easier to spent CFA500 (about $1) on a hot, semi balanced meal, than to try to cook for myself.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
November 30; 2007 : What I’ve learned from my mom’s illness and death
1. Some things just suck and you have to go through them.
2. I can tell you this - - that although it stings, it is MUCH better to explore your feelings and allow them to be expressed, then to push them away. You have a right to feel angry, to feel frustrated, to feel lost, to feel scared, or what ever else pops up. Acknowledge it, feel it, discuss it if you can, then give it to Jesus and tell Him it’s a big, sucky mess and He has to help you through it or you’ll never make it. The more you can deal with while the person is still alive- the better for both of you.
3. Say every good thing you ever wanted to say to them. Thank them for being a good parent (or at least give them credit for doing the best they knew how under the circumstances) and tell them all the stuff you appreciated about your childhood that was thanks to them. Don’t leave anything out !!! It will be a great comfort to you in future days.
4. Grief is a natural and healthy part of our life’s experiences. If we do not allow it to run its course it can fester and turn into something that rots in your soul. We tend to have a lot of conflicted feelings when we are facing the passing of a loved one. For example, I realized that I was profoundly disappointed in my mom for not trying harder to be a better mother to me. That’s a pretty darn selfish attitude to have when someone is dying – but that’s how I felt. All I could do was bring it to the Lord over and over again. After she died, every morning I would wake up, cry, and just feel sad for something that I never had with her – a decent loving relationship. I would cry a bit, then pray, then pack a few boxes. On the 3rd day, I realized that a spirit of regret was trying to implant itself in my soul. I rebuked that foul demon and ask God to help my go the through the grieving process in a healthy way.
When I came back to Lolodorf, I spent the first 2 weeks resting and reading. Then the Lord started opening doors in the community and I started to meet decent, motivated people who wanted to learn what I have to offer. Since then, things are moving (mostly) forward and I am learning to go with the flow. Selling all my stuff to move here; seeing the extensive lack here; then dealing with my mom’s death; have really helped me to realize the futility of trying to hold on to too much stuff. I would rather share what I have in hand now and deal with the future as it comes, than try to hoard the scraps that I think I own as a protection against future events.
2. I can tell you this - - that although it stings, it is MUCH better to explore your feelings and allow them to be expressed, then to push them away. You have a right to feel angry, to feel frustrated, to feel lost, to feel scared, or what ever else pops up. Acknowledge it, feel it, discuss it if you can, then give it to Jesus and tell Him it’s a big, sucky mess and He has to help you through it or you’ll never make it. The more you can deal with while the person is still alive- the better for both of you.
3. Say every good thing you ever wanted to say to them. Thank them for being a good parent (or at least give them credit for doing the best they knew how under the circumstances) and tell them all the stuff you appreciated about your childhood that was thanks to them. Don’t leave anything out !!! It will be a great comfort to you in future days.
4. Grief is a natural and healthy part of our life’s experiences. If we do not allow it to run its course it can fester and turn into something that rots in your soul. We tend to have a lot of conflicted feelings when we are facing the passing of a loved one. For example, I realized that I was profoundly disappointed in my mom for not trying harder to be a better mother to me. That’s a pretty darn selfish attitude to have when someone is dying – but that’s how I felt. All I could do was bring it to the Lord over and over again. After she died, every morning I would wake up, cry, and just feel sad for something that I never had with her – a decent loving relationship. I would cry a bit, then pray, then pack a few boxes. On the 3rd day, I realized that a spirit of regret was trying to implant itself in my soul. I rebuked that foul demon and ask God to help my go the through the grieving process in a healthy way.
When I came back to Lolodorf, I spent the first 2 weeks resting and reading. Then the Lord started opening doors in the community and I started to meet decent, motivated people who wanted to learn what I have to offer. Since then, things are moving (mostly) forward and I am learning to go with the flow. Selling all my stuff to move here; seeing the extensive lack here; then dealing with my mom’s death; have really helped me to realize the futility of trying to hold on to too much stuff. I would rather share what I have in hand now and deal with the future as it comes, than try to hoard the scraps that I think I own as a protection against future events.
November 15; 2007 : Meanwhile …back in Lolodorf…
The beginnings here were very difficult and that was when I felt at my most vulnerable. Things are a lot more stable now and I am enjoying my new life. It is sad to admit this, but I felt a burden lift off of me with my mom’s passing. I did not realize to what extent the situation had weighed on my heart and mind for all those months. The essential thing was always that mom make her peace with God and ask Jesus to come into her heart and fill the place with love that had held so much pain for so long. The Lord kept me far away so that she could not rely on me in His place. Each time she talked to me there was so much fear in her and I could do nothing to alleviate it. God is good but people will wear you out!!! Anyway, now is a time of new beginnings and I embrace it. I found it amusing that my best friend in the states and I each think the other is “strong”. I wasn’t feeling very strong, but at least I know how to fall forward!!
I love the long crazy emails that my friends and family have sent. They make me laugh and I feel connected. Sometimes I just need to touch something familiar to remind myself that I am not so isolated. I am slowly making friends and learning how things work here. Sometimes there is all the drama of a sloppy soap opera here in such a small town. Hearing about the adventures of daily life in the sates reminds me that life goes on – everywhere !!
Life here is good – but VERY different. Everyday brings a new unexpected dilemma. For example, Lolodorf now has a cyber café, and Pierrot, the guy who runs it – really knows his stuff. He is nice and intelligent and honest. These also happen to be the three traits that characterize those I call “friends” here. So many people here have their own agenda in dealing with me. Being “white” in Africa means automatically that you are rich, and have access to powerful people to get things done. In some measure they are right, by comparison to their situation, I am rich and powerful. Being “white” is more about being from a developed nation ten about skin color. All Americans, of all colors, are considered “white”. An African, who has traveled, obtained an education and adopted occidental ways, is also called “white man” by his village and family.
Now, back to today’s dilemma, we have a cyber, but power is irregular and he uses a generator when the power is down. Generators are notoriously unstable and often fry the things they are connected to. Well, that is what happened yesterday. It fried his server, modem and another computer. No more Internet for a while until he travels to Yaoundé and buys a new modem – when he can afford it, that is!!!! As I spoke of before, the bank where I work has 5 computers – 3 of which worked before I left. While I was gone certain persons decided that they needed the tables for a political rally downtown. So they came in and put my computers on the ground, pushed buttons on the regulators and left with my tables. (1) It’s been 2 weeks and the tables are still not back. (2) Because the regulators were left depressed – that is ON – the batteries are now ruined and are quite expensive to replace. (3) I was frustrated by the attitude (on the part of certain persons) that I should buy things for the bank - like a projector or a generator. (4) I was also in a bind about preparing lesson plans for the computer classes that I want to launch. Each time I tried to work – the power went out!! (5) I was also concerned about the price we were going to charge for the classes because I think we were going to run into a conflict about how the money should be used (and not end up in someone’s pocket!!) The good news in all this ?!? The good news is that my dilemma with the bank and the computer classes is temporarily resolved. They flocked up the computers and can therefore no longer pressure me about when I will start classes. I can still work offline at Pierrot’s cyber café without the pressure of a deadline, and Pierrot will eventually get another modem. Life will go on and I will too.
I love the long crazy emails that my friends and family have sent. They make me laugh and I feel connected. Sometimes I just need to touch something familiar to remind myself that I am not so isolated. I am slowly making friends and learning how things work here. Sometimes there is all the drama of a sloppy soap opera here in such a small town. Hearing about the adventures of daily life in the sates reminds me that life goes on – everywhere !!
Life here is good – but VERY different. Everyday brings a new unexpected dilemma. For example, Lolodorf now has a cyber café, and Pierrot, the guy who runs it – really knows his stuff. He is nice and intelligent and honest. These also happen to be the three traits that characterize those I call “friends” here. So many people here have their own agenda in dealing with me. Being “white” in Africa means automatically that you are rich, and have access to powerful people to get things done. In some measure they are right, by comparison to their situation, I am rich and powerful. Being “white” is more about being from a developed nation ten about skin color. All Americans, of all colors, are considered “white”. An African, who has traveled, obtained an education and adopted occidental ways, is also called “white man” by his village and family.
Now, back to today’s dilemma, we have a cyber, but power is irregular and he uses a generator when the power is down. Generators are notoriously unstable and often fry the things they are connected to. Well, that is what happened yesterday. It fried his server, modem and another computer. No more Internet for a while until he travels to Yaoundé and buys a new modem – when he can afford it, that is!!!! As I spoke of before, the bank where I work has 5 computers – 3 of which worked before I left. While I was gone certain persons decided that they needed the tables for a political rally downtown. So they came in and put my computers on the ground, pushed buttons on the regulators and left with my tables. (1) It’s been 2 weeks and the tables are still not back. (2) Because the regulators were left depressed – that is ON – the batteries are now ruined and are quite expensive to replace. (3) I was frustrated by the attitude (on the part of certain persons) that I should buy things for the bank - like a projector or a generator. (4) I was also in a bind about preparing lesson plans for the computer classes that I want to launch. Each time I tried to work – the power went out!! (5) I was also concerned about the price we were going to charge for the classes because I think we were going to run into a conflict about how the money should be used (and not end up in someone’s pocket!!) The good news in all this ?!? The good news is that my dilemma with the bank and the computer classes is temporarily resolved. They flocked up the computers and can therefore no longer pressure me about when I will start classes. I can still work offline at Pierrot’s cyber café without the pressure of a deadline, and Pierrot will eventually get another modem. Life will go on and I will too.
October 2007 : Sun City West AZIZONA – life in the fast food lane or how I spent my 2 weeks in the states.
My two weeks in the states were intense for a variety of obvious reasons. The first 5 days found me in an emotional stupor divided between processing the loss of a parent and reconnecting with the friends and family that remain. Christina and I ate a lot of fast food – hot, greasy, excessive and delicious, which we washed down with equal amounts of sodas and Starbucks refreshments. Ahhh……….Two weeks without dried fish or manioc – I hope I will not be too spoiled when I return to the village.
Mom’s neighbors and friends became our neighbors and friends. They carried us through the process and without them we would have found ourselves adrift and frustrated. Thanks again to all the wonderful people of SCW, particularly Len and Melba – you guys rock – and if you’ll have us – Christina and I would like to adopt you as our new parents/grandparents !!!
Mom’s neighbors and friends became our neighbors and friends. They carried us through the process and without them we would have found ourselves adrift and frustrated. Thanks again to all the wonderful people of SCW, particularly Len and Melba – you guys rock – and if you’ll have us – Christina and I would like to adopt you as our new parents/grandparents !!!
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