Hya - here's the link to my Picasa site to view lots of photos - enjoy !!
http://picasaweb.google.com/christine.shutterbug
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sunday August 17, 2008 : What I ate today
Sunday August 17, 2008
What I ate today.
Breakfast : ½ a baguette of fried bread and fresh brewed Cameroonian coffee.
Lunch : 1 unripe plantain - fried with salt.
Snacks : an orange, a protein bar, roasted peanuts, peanut butter crackers.
Dinner : a fried egg on fried bread, spread with processed cheese; more peanuts.
What I wanted to eat today
Breakfast : pancakes with jam and bacon (I dreamed about pancakes last night !).
Lunch : chicken ceasar salad with a nice light ceasar dressing.
Snacks : an orange and a cinnabun !!!
Dinner : surprise me – PLEASE !!
I stayed home today ‘cause I didn’t want to see anyone or deal with their village ways. Everyone at the Pentecostal church is sure that I have fallen from grace and an nearly about to abandon the faith altogether !! I have painstakingly explained that I cannot stand all the foolishness that goes on there. The general consensus is that I should tolerate it anyway (they don’t deny that folks act a fool there!!) and keep torturing myself for the sake - Of others? The church? Christ Himself? I don’t know and neither do they. So, as it stands, I don’t go to church as often as I go into town for beer with friends.
I came here so full of purpose and confidence, then after 6 months at post of pushing and trying, I just fell down. Folks here are stubborn and resistant to change. Americans want to change everything they see and touch. A major culture clash ! I was emotionally spent and became acutely homesick. I pulled back from all my unsuccessful endeavors and tried to regroup. That was in April. May and June were slow months for me. I stopped trying so hard and spent more time socializing, and making peace with the idea that the rest of my time spent in village could possibly be totally non-productive. In the end, I decided I’m okay with that. Africa may not be impacted by me but I have certainly been impacted by her.
I know I have been in the throws of a spiritual crisis for the last few months, but I do believe I am starting to climb out of it. I am finally reading my bible again and finding a lot of strength and encouragement from passages about patience and perseverance. I feel quite useless here most days but I am just not ready to throw in the towel and quit. I hope that if I just stay in the game that maybe some opportunity will open up that allows me to exercise and share some of my skills and talents. After all, what on earth else is there to do if we are not chasing after some dream or idea that challenges us to rise a little higher, fight a little longer, and grow a little wiser…….
A good day consists of :
Eating well and/or eating foods that I enjoy.
Not having the runs.
Not being asked for money.
Not being propositioned by some creepy, married, middle-aged man.
Not being hit on by some cocky young, 30-something dude.
Not being looked at in a suggestive way by some creepy lycee student.
Not being lied to ( sorry this one’s impossible – You gotta lie to the white woman – you never know – it might pay off).
Spending pleasant moments with friends I have in village (this happens regularly- so my social life is pretty healthy!).
Next time I will write about pleasant experiences I have here.
They are numerous and frequent. Today I am just feeling grumpy and far from home.
It’s 8:15 pm - I’ll do a few sudoku puzzles and go to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. . . .
The beginning of a new week . . . .
And I have a sassy new purple wrap skirt to wear !!
That’s all for now,
Much love,
Christine
What I ate today.
Breakfast : ½ a baguette of fried bread and fresh brewed Cameroonian coffee.
Lunch : 1 unripe plantain - fried with salt.
Snacks : an orange, a protein bar, roasted peanuts, peanut butter crackers.
Dinner : a fried egg on fried bread, spread with processed cheese; more peanuts.
What I wanted to eat today
Breakfast : pancakes with jam and bacon (I dreamed about pancakes last night !).
Lunch : chicken ceasar salad with a nice light ceasar dressing.
Snacks : an orange and a cinnabun !!!
Dinner : surprise me – PLEASE !!
I stayed home today ‘cause I didn’t want to see anyone or deal with their village ways. Everyone at the Pentecostal church is sure that I have fallen from grace and an nearly about to abandon the faith altogether !! I have painstakingly explained that I cannot stand all the foolishness that goes on there. The general consensus is that I should tolerate it anyway (they don’t deny that folks act a fool there!!) and keep torturing myself for the sake - Of others? The church? Christ Himself? I don’t know and neither do they. So, as it stands, I don’t go to church as often as I go into town for beer with friends.
I came here so full of purpose and confidence, then after 6 months at post of pushing and trying, I just fell down. Folks here are stubborn and resistant to change. Americans want to change everything they see and touch. A major culture clash ! I was emotionally spent and became acutely homesick. I pulled back from all my unsuccessful endeavors and tried to regroup. That was in April. May and June were slow months for me. I stopped trying so hard and spent more time socializing, and making peace with the idea that the rest of my time spent in village could possibly be totally non-productive. In the end, I decided I’m okay with that. Africa may not be impacted by me but I have certainly been impacted by her.
I know I have been in the throws of a spiritual crisis for the last few months, but I do believe I am starting to climb out of it. I am finally reading my bible again and finding a lot of strength and encouragement from passages about patience and perseverance. I feel quite useless here most days but I am just not ready to throw in the towel and quit. I hope that if I just stay in the game that maybe some opportunity will open up that allows me to exercise and share some of my skills and talents. After all, what on earth else is there to do if we are not chasing after some dream or idea that challenges us to rise a little higher, fight a little longer, and grow a little wiser…….
A good day consists of :
Eating well and/or eating foods that I enjoy.
Not having the runs.
Not being asked for money.
Not being propositioned by some creepy, married, middle-aged man.
Not being hit on by some cocky young, 30-something dude.
Not being looked at in a suggestive way by some creepy lycee student.
Not being lied to ( sorry this one’s impossible – You gotta lie to the white woman – you never know – it might pay off).
Spending pleasant moments with friends I have in village (this happens regularly- so my social life is pretty healthy!).
Next time I will write about pleasant experiences I have here.
They are numerous and frequent. Today I am just feeling grumpy and far from home.
It’s 8:15 pm - I’ll do a few sudoku puzzles and go to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. . . .
The beginning of a new week . . . .
And I have a sassy new purple wrap skirt to wear !!
That’s all for now,
Much love,
Christine
July 24, 2008
JULY 24, 2008
This place is a wild ride and most days I esteem the adventure worth the cost, but there are those times when I just long for the small comforts that I am familiar with – like hot water, good coffee, a fresh salad and jazz music. I was bummed to hear that one of my favourite coffee houses in Culver City - Synergy Café - is no longer…….
I sure the Metro Café is still going strong !!
This place is a wild ride and most days I esteem the adventure worth the cost, but there are those times when I just long for the small comforts that I am familiar with – like hot water, good coffee, a fresh salad and jazz music. I was bummed to hear that one of my favourite coffee houses in Culver City - Synergy Café - is no longer…….
I sure the Metro Café is still going strong !!
May 31, 2008 : Greetings All
May 31 2008 Greetings All
Greetings all - I hope all is well with you and your families. I’m more or less emotionally stable these days. My daughter calls me regularly and sends care packages !! I have a great post mate, with whom I REALLY get along – so we are a solid support to one another. There is also a linguist/missionary here who has lived in Africa for the last 15 years and is translating the bible into several local languages – he is a very interesting dude and he has a truck. A good man to know!!. I also have a few reliable friends in village to help me pass the time and fill me in on all the cultural undercurrents that I usually miss.
The situation where I work is a gooey, conglomerated mess of corruption, incompetence, inertia, foolishness, childishness, and simple village ignorance that is completely out of my hands to fix. I am learning patience and faith each day!! This is also why I drink beer from time to time. Basically any man in town with an above-average IQ drinks heavily – because they see and understand too much but feel powerless to fight any of it. Or they have tried and been crushed by the sheer weight of the plight of their country. My experience here is not the same as the lives of my neighbors. I have choices and freedoms afforded me by my education and economic status that most women here cannot even imagine for themselves. It is heartbreaking. Kind of a downer, huh?? Mostly, this is why I havn’t written much lately – I just don’t have too much good stuff to say. Africa is a savagely beautiful and achingly sad place in so many ways…..I thank God often for this remarkable opportunity, but the experience is very challenging nearly everyday.
Greetings all - I hope all is well with you and your families. I’m more or less emotionally stable these days. My daughter calls me regularly and sends care packages !! I have a great post mate, with whom I REALLY get along – so we are a solid support to one another. There is also a linguist/missionary here who has lived in Africa for the last 15 years and is translating the bible into several local languages – he is a very interesting dude and he has a truck. A good man to know!!. I also have a few reliable friends in village to help me pass the time and fill me in on all the cultural undercurrents that I usually miss.
The situation where I work is a gooey, conglomerated mess of corruption, incompetence, inertia, foolishness, childishness, and simple village ignorance that is completely out of my hands to fix. I am learning patience and faith each day!! This is also why I drink beer from time to time. Basically any man in town with an above-average IQ drinks heavily – because they see and understand too much but feel powerless to fight any of it. Or they have tried and been crushed by the sheer weight of the plight of their country. My experience here is not the same as the lives of my neighbors. I have choices and freedoms afforded me by my education and economic status that most women here cannot even imagine for themselves. It is heartbreaking. Kind of a downer, huh?? Mostly, this is why I havn’t written much lately – I just don’t have too much good stuff to say. Africa is a savagely beautiful and achingly sad place in so many ways…..I thank God often for this remarkable opportunity, but the experience is very challenging nearly everyday.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
December 28, 2007 : Christmas in Cameroon
I had a fun Christmas too and I appreciate the fact that the weather and traditions are so different here that it did not really feel like Christmas back home. I think I would have been more homesick if it felt more like a traditional Christmas. I have a post mate here in Lolodorf, she is a health volunteer and her name is Megan. She’s 24, from Chicago and she’s very nice. We get along great and it is a wonderful relief to have someone to talk to that understands what you’re feeling, because sometimes the cultural divide is so huge that you wonder if you can ever really cross it to connect with people here. Christmas Eve we went out to the local night club with some male friends and we also spent Christmas day together with a family here. All in all a good time was had by all and the holiday passed without incident or massive depressive episodes for both of us .
Every once in a while (but not too often) I just MISS my loved ones back home. When it happens, I embrace the moment and search my memory for some sweet time that we spent together. I run it thru my mind and enjoy it again because I know that we have such love in our family and there are many more good memories to come. That love keeps me strong on days when I feel like everyone here just wants a piece of me. I remind myself that someone loves me – as I am; without wanting more – and that gets me thru the tough spots when I feel under appreciated here.
I am learning day by day to live by faith and it is a wild ride that never disappoints !! I have to trust God every day and seek His wisdom for each small decision that I make. The consequences here of poor judgment could endanger my health or even my life. Desperate poverty makes some people desperate, but I am fortunate to have enough reliable friends in the village who watch out for me. They tell me the truth, they watch my back, they help me find reliable people to get my household stuff done- like drawing water from the well or cutting my grass with a machete !! I do my own laundry every two days – by hand – and hang it on the line to dry. I eat at the local cafes in town. It’s cheaper and easier to spent CFA500 (about $1) on a hot, semi balanced meal, than to try to cook for myself.
Every once in a while (but not too often) I just MISS my loved ones back home. When it happens, I embrace the moment and search my memory for some sweet time that we spent together. I run it thru my mind and enjoy it again because I know that we have such love in our family and there are many more good memories to come. That love keeps me strong on days when I feel like everyone here just wants a piece of me. I remind myself that someone loves me – as I am; without wanting more – and that gets me thru the tough spots when I feel under appreciated here.
I am learning day by day to live by faith and it is a wild ride that never disappoints !! I have to trust God every day and seek His wisdom for each small decision that I make. The consequences here of poor judgment could endanger my health or even my life. Desperate poverty makes some people desperate, but I am fortunate to have enough reliable friends in the village who watch out for me. They tell me the truth, they watch my back, they help me find reliable people to get my household stuff done- like drawing water from the well or cutting my grass with a machete !! I do my own laundry every two days – by hand – and hang it on the line to dry. I eat at the local cafes in town. It’s cheaper and easier to spent CFA500 (about $1) on a hot, semi balanced meal, than to try to cook for myself.
November 30; 2007 : What I’ve learned from my mom’s illness and death
1. Some things just suck and you have to go through them.
2. I can tell you this - - that although it stings, it is MUCH better to explore your feelings and allow them to be expressed, then to push them away. You have a right to feel angry, to feel frustrated, to feel lost, to feel scared, or what ever else pops up. Acknowledge it, feel it, discuss it if you can, then give it to Jesus and tell Him it’s a big, sucky mess and He has to help you through it or you’ll never make it. The more you can deal with while the person is still alive- the better for both of you.
3. Say every good thing you ever wanted to say to them. Thank them for being a good parent (or at least give them credit for doing the best they knew how under the circumstances) and tell them all the stuff you appreciated about your childhood that was thanks to them. Don’t leave anything out !!! It will be a great comfort to you in future days.
4. Grief is a natural and healthy part of our life’s experiences. If we do not allow it to run its course it can fester and turn into something that rots in your soul. We tend to have a lot of conflicted feelings when we are facing the passing of a loved one. For example, I realized that I was profoundly disappointed in my mom for not trying harder to be a better mother to me. That’s a pretty darn selfish attitude to have when someone is dying – but that’s how I felt. All I could do was bring it to the Lord over and over again. After she died, every morning I would wake up, cry, and just feel sad for something that I never had with her – a decent loving relationship. I would cry a bit, then pray, then pack a few boxes. On the 3rd day, I realized that a spirit of regret was trying to implant itself in my soul. I rebuked that foul demon and ask God to help my go the through the grieving process in a healthy way.
When I came back to Lolodorf, I spent the first 2 weeks resting and reading. Then the Lord started opening doors in the community and I started to meet decent, motivated people who wanted to learn what I have to offer. Since then, things are moving (mostly) forward and I am learning to go with the flow. Selling all my stuff to move here; seeing the extensive lack here; then dealing with my mom’s death; have really helped me to realize the futility of trying to hold on to too much stuff. I would rather share what I have in hand now and deal with the future as it comes, than try to hoard the scraps that I think I own as a protection against future events.
2. I can tell you this - - that although it stings, it is MUCH better to explore your feelings and allow them to be expressed, then to push them away. You have a right to feel angry, to feel frustrated, to feel lost, to feel scared, or what ever else pops up. Acknowledge it, feel it, discuss it if you can, then give it to Jesus and tell Him it’s a big, sucky mess and He has to help you through it or you’ll never make it. The more you can deal with while the person is still alive- the better for both of you.
3. Say every good thing you ever wanted to say to them. Thank them for being a good parent (or at least give them credit for doing the best they knew how under the circumstances) and tell them all the stuff you appreciated about your childhood that was thanks to them. Don’t leave anything out !!! It will be a great comfort to you in future days.
4. Grief is a natural and healthy part of our life’s experiences. If we do not allow it to run its course it can fester and turn into something that rots in your soul. We tend to have a lot of conflicted feelings when we are facing the passing of a loved one. For example, I realized that I was profoundly disappointed in my mom for not trying harder to be a better mother to me. That’s a pretty darn selfish attitude to have when someone is dying – but that’s how I felt. All I could do was bring it to the Lord over and over again. After she died, every morning I would wake up, cry, and just feel sad for something that I never had with her – a decent loving relationship. I would cry a bit, then pray, then pack a few boxes. On the 3rd day, I realized that a spirit of regret was trying to implant itself in my soul. I rebuked that foul demon and ask God to help my go the through the grieving process in a healthy way.
When I came back to Lolodorf, I spent the first 2 weeks resting and reading. Then the Lord started opening doors in the community and I started to meet decent, motivated people who wanted to learn what I have to offer. Since then, things are moving (mostly) forward and I am learning to go with the flow. Selling all my stuff to move here; seeing the extensive lack here; then dealing with my mom’s death; have really helped me to realize the futility of trying to hold on to too much stuff. I would rather share what I have in hand now and deal with the future as it comes, than try to hoard the scraps that I think I own as a protection against future events.
November 15; 2007 : Meanwhile …back in Lolodorf…
The beginnings here were very difficult and that was when I felt at my most vulnerable. Things are a lot more stable now and I am enjoying my new life. It is sad to admit this, but I felt a burden lift off of me with my mom’s passing. I did not realize to what extent the situation had weighed on my heart and mind for all those months. The essential thing was always that mom make her peace with God and ask Jesus to come into her heart and fill the place with love that had held so much pain for so long. The Lord kept me far away so that she could not rely on me in His place. Each time she talked to me there was so much fear in her and I could do nothing to alleviate it. God is good but people will wear you out!!! Anyway, now is a time of new beginnings and I embrace it. I found it amusing that my best friend in the states and I each think the other is “strong”. I wasn’t feeling very strong, but at least I know how to fall forward!!
I love the long crazy emails that my friends and family have sent. They make me laugh and I feel connected. Sometimes I just need to touch something familiar to remind myself that I am not so isolated. I am slowly making friends and learning how things work here. Sometimes there is all the drama of a sloppy soap opera here in such a small town. Hearing about the adventures of daily life in the sates reminds me that life goes on – everywhere !!
Life here is good – but VERY different. Everyday brings a new unexpected dilemma. For example, Lolodorf now has a cyber café, and Pierrot, the guy who runs it – really knows his stuff. He is nice and intelligent and honest. These also happen to be the three traits that characterize those I call “friends” here. So many people here have their own agenda in dealing with me. Being “white” in Africa means automatically that you are rich, and have access to powerful people to get things done. In some measure they are right, by comparison to their situation, I am rich and powerful. Being “white” is more about being from a developed nation ten about skin color. All Americans, of all colors, are considered “white”. An African, who has traveled, obtained an education and adopted occidental ways, is also called “white man” by his village and family.
Now, back to today’s dilemma, we have a cyber, but power is irregular and he uses a generator when the power is down. Generators are notoriously unstable and often fry the things they are connected to. Well, that is what happened yesterday. It fried his server, modem and another computer. No more Internet for a while until he travels to Yaoundé and buys a new modem – when he can afford it, that is!!!! As I spoke of before, the bank where I work has 5 computers – 3 of which worked before I left. While I was gone certain persons decided that they needed the tables for a political rally downtown. So they came in and put my computers on the ground, pushed buttons on the regulators and left with my tables. (1) It’s been 2 weeks and the tables are still not back. (2) Because the regulators were left depressed – that is ON – the batteries are now ruined and are quite expensive to replace. (3) I was frustrated by the attitude (on the part of certain persons) that I should buy things for the bank - like a projector or a generator. (4) I was also in a bind about preparing lesson plans for the computer classes that I want to launch. Each time I tried to work – the power went out!! (5) I was also concerned about the price we were going to charge for the classes because I think we were going to run into a conflict about how the money should be used (and not end up in someone’s pocket!!) The good news in all this ?!? The good news is that my dilemma with the bank and the computer classes is temporarily resolved. They flocked up the computers and can therefore no longer pressure me about when I will start classes. I can still work offline at Pierrot’s cyber café without the pressure of a deadline, and Pierrot will eventually get another modem. Life will go on and I will too.
I love the long crazy emails that my friends and family have sent. They make me laugh and I feel connected. Sometimes I just need to touch something familiar to remind myself that I am not so isolated. I am slowly making friends and learning how things work here. Sometimes there is all the drama of a sloppy soap opera here in such a small town. Hearing about the adventures of daily life in the sates reminds me that life goes on – everywhere !!
Life here is good – but VERY different. Everyday brings a new unexpected dilemma. For example, Lolodorf now has a cyber café, and Pierrot, the guy who runs it – really knows his stuff. He is nice and intelligent and honest. These also happen to be the three traits that characterize those I call “friends” here. So many people here have their own agenda in dealing with me. Being “white” in Africa means automatically that you are rich, and have access to powerful people to get things done. In some measure they are right, by comparison to their situation, I am rich and powerful. Being “white” is more about being from a developed nation ten about skin color. All Americans, of all colors, are considered “white”. An African, who has traveled, obtained an education and adopted occidental ways, is also called “white man” by his village and family.
Now, back to today’s dilemma, we have a cyber, but power is irregular and he uses a generator when the power is down. Generators are notoriously unstable and often fry the things they are connected to. Well, that is what happened yesterday. It fried his server, modem and another computer. No more Internet for a while until he travels to Yaoundé and buys a new modem – when he can afford it, that is!!!! As I spoke of before, the bank where I work has 5 computers – 3 of which worked before I left. While I was gone certain persons decided that they needed the tables for a political rally downtown. So they came in and put my computers on the ground, pushed buttons on the regulators and left with my tables. (1) It’s been 2 weeks and the tables are still not back. (2) Because the regulators were left depressed – that is ON – the batteries are now ruined and are quite expensive to replace. (3) I was frustrated by the attitude (on the part of certain persons) that I should buy things for the bank - like a projector or a generator. (4) I was also in a bind about preparing lesson plans for the computer classes that I want to launch. Each time I tried to work – the power went out!! (5) I was also concerned about the price we were going to charge for the classes because I think we were going to run into a conflict about how the money should be used (and not end up in someone’s pocket!!) The good news in all this ?!? The good news is that my dilemma with the bank and the computer classes is temporarily resolved. They flocked up the computers and can therefore no longer pressure me about when I will start classes. I can still work offline at Pierrot’s cyber café without the pressure of a deadline, and Pierrot will eventually get another modem. Life will go on and I will too.
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