November 30; 2007 : What I’ve learned from my mom’s illness and death

1. Some things just suck and you have to go through them.

2. I can tell you this - - that although it stings, it is MUCH better to explore your feelings and allow them to be expressed, then to push them away. You have a right to feel angry, to feel frustrated, to feel lost, to feel scared, or what ever else pops up. Acknowledge it, feel it, discuss it if you can, then give it to Jesus and tell Him it’s a big, sucky mess and He has to help you through it or you’ll never make it. The more you can deal with while the person is still alive- the better for both of you.

3. Say every good thing you ever wanted to say to them. Thank them for being a good parent (or at least give them credit for doing the best they knew how under the circumstances) and tell them all the stuff you appreciated about your childhood that was thanks to them. Don’t leave anything out !!! It will be a great comfort to you in future days.

4. Grief is a natural and healthy part of our life’s experiences. If we do not allow it to run its course it can fester and turn into something that rots in your soul. We tend to have a lot of conflicted feelings when we are facing the passing of a loved one. For example, I realized that I was profoundly disappointed in my mom for not trying harder to be a better mother to me. That’s a pretty darn selfish attitude to have when someone is dying – but that’s how I felt. All I could do was bring it to the Lord over and over again. After she died, every morning I would wake up, cry, and just feel sad for something that I never had with her – a decent loving relationship. I would cry a bit, then pray, then pack a few boxes. On the 3rd day, I realized that a spirit of regret was trying to implant itself in my soul. I rebuked that foul demon and ask God to help my go the through the grieving process in a healthy way.

When I came back to Lolodorf, I spent the first 2 weeks resting and reading. Then the Lord started opening doors in the community and I started to meet decent, motivated people who wanted to learn what I have to offer. Since then, things are moving (mostly) forward and I am learning to go with the flow. Selling all my stuff to move here; seeing the extensive lack here; then dealing with my mom’s death; have really helped me to realize the futility of trying to hold on to too much stuff. I would rather share what I have in hand now and deal with the future as it comes, than try to hoard the scraps that I think I own as a protection against future events.